Friday, August 16, 2019

Space


I’ve came to the realization that losing a loved one generates an immense crater of regret within. This bowled-out depression is filled with so much regret, it’s endless in its own time. I feel like I could’ve done more. I could’ve spent a little more time in the hospital with him or cooked him more meals. I could’ve fetched him more water or sat with him a little longer while he watched TV. But all these thoughts won’t change the utter fact that he’s gone and that I will never get that time back. Time is all you have, until one day, you don’t.

His Notes


From time to time I find his post-it notes in between my books, in my office drawers, inside my purse, etc. I find them just about everywhere! And each time I find them, I read into them a little more than I should. I pay attention to his punctuation and the usage of his pronouns; his words of endearment towards me. I try to picture him in the moment, carrying out his act of kindness, jotting down what comes to mind. He certainly makes my whole world a lot better. And his loving words fill me up with so much joy. 

Friday, June 28, 2019

No Fool Here

“You are not fool’s gold, shining only under a particular light. Whomever you become, whatever you make yourself into, that is who you always were.” 

― Tara Westover, Educated

I Need This

“I shed my guilt when I accepted my decision on its own terms, without endlessly prosecuting old grievances, without weighing his sins against mine. Without thinking of my father at all. I learned to accept my decision for my own sake, because of me, not because of him. Because I needed it, not because he deserved it.”

― Tara Westover , Educated

Anything But

"Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with and love shouldn’t be one of them.”

— Tiffanie DeBartolo

Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out

Monday, June 17, 2019

Father's Day #5


"Every breath I take, every move I make, every bond I break, every step I take, I know you'll be watching me." 

Happy Father's Day papito lindo. Te extrano muchisimo. Te mando un beso y un abrazote. Tu Pata.

Thursday, June 6, 2019

Beyoncé - Me, Myself and I

To The Left


We’re in a car - filled with silence - the tension is so thick you can slice through it.
His foot is on the pedal – angry as hell – and these tears won’t stop falling.
He looks at me in disgust – like I’m swine swimming in filth.
I look onward not breaking my gaze from the passing lights.
If I just focus on something – something – maybe he’ll let it go.
Foolish me.
I turn the radio on and she sings to me, “Me, myself, and I”.
I start singing along – I turn up the volume and for a split second I feel fearless.
I can pick myself up and I can let this go, “And there ain’t no need to cry".
He aggressively slams on the radio knob and I snap back to reality.
I turn it back on and he grabs me, his nails digging into my arm.
He asks, “Is this your stupid motivation to leave me?”
He laughs at me. I don’t respond back. I sit back, and I take it.   
I continue to take his repulsion towards me, his insults, and his child-like tantrums.
But who’s more of a child? The one who stays or the one who acts this way?
Foolish me.

Thursday, May 23, 2019

A Decade Later

ten years later and this blog still stands,
this blog is filled with so much,
so many versions of myself.
it has years of grammatical errors,
painful lessons,
laugh until you cry moments,
a few broken hearts,
unbroken friendships,
and friendships that sailed away.
there's so much of me here,
and so much of you, as well.
there's fragments of my father,
and fragments of my imagination.
my first real break up.
my son's tiny struggles,
and the struggles within me.
there's music that lifted my spirits,
& songs that couldn't comfort me.
there's the in between moments of
despair and confusion,
finding the light,
sitting in darkness,
and then finding and losing myself,
over & over again.
a handful of concrete friendships that were built here.
there's a list of  my tiny accomplishments,
and a bigger list of all my failures,
the pick me up's and those behind them.
there's my marriage,
and the love of my life.
my husband,
my children,
and the present.
i am who i am because of all of this,
thank you.