It has to be the whiskey in my body & the timing of this note. I can't comprehend this. I just can't take it anymore. I'm broken and no one can fix that. I can't take the solitude any longer. And I'm sitting here crying my eyes out because after all this time I still see him in my dreams- in my nightmares. Its been more than a year, that's how long I've been alone. And this emptiness is filling up. It has reached its maximum capacity. And there is no more room left and this cup is tilting over. I'm broken. What now? I'm scattered all the over the place and I can't even get myself together. I need you God more than ever. I need my strength back. I need the old "me" back. What do you really want Perla?
I want to love again. I want to trust again. I want to feel that excitement run through my veins. I want all my electrons, neutrons, and protons to make sense of it all but not completely. I want to wake up and have him in mind. I want his absence to affect me, to make me foolish, to yearn for his presence. I want to hear & feel this broken heart beat. I want to feel alive again.
Another old entry from my journal. Peace.