Sunrise

February 11, 2011

It's such a huge deal to be a man's first but it's an even greater deal to be a man's last. And that's all I want from you. I want to be the last woman you love. The last and only woman you will ever touch in that way. After everything we have put each other through, we still have the audacity to be in the same place, the same bed, the same sheets. And the minutes go by so quickly when I'm there. Hour after hour as if time stood still. And then I realize it's a new day, a lovely morning. And all I have is a beautiful memory that I can't share with the rest of the world. And it's not because I can't find the words, it's because I don't have the courage to tell anyone. Because we both know it's completely immoral. How can something so absurd feel so right? I question myself for a few minutes and then I place this memory in the deepest part of my brain. And over the years I've learned to not make something out of nothing. To just take as it is. Sometimes it's better to just forget. And I miss you. Only when I'm their, in your presence, I realize I miss you dearly. Your breath is like poison to my body. And every time I breathe you in, every time I feel your sweet breath on my skin it kills me a little more and more. You would think that the love that I felt for you would be completely dead but it's not. I need to move forward the same way you did. I need to find comfort in someone elses arms. I need to feel needed. But every time a good man comes around I find an excuse to push them away. Or I make up an excuse of why I can't  make it to dinner. Which then eventually follows with " I'm just not ready yet." And I'm sure they think I'm completely bonkers. Two years later and I'm still stuck in the past. No one wants a person with so much baggage. And  like usual, my made up excuses are a sufficient reason to just keep my distance. Enough to keep my heart guarded. Not enough interest to take a risk, a chance at falling in love. I just need more time. And time is all I have right now. Peace

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