I just need to step out. I need a mind check. I can't stand all these thoughts and questions. I need to unwhelm. I need to stop making excuses and woman the fuck up. I need to get lost purposely and then find myself again. I need chocolate. And lots of Chinese food. Comfort. Erykah Badu. I need fresh air to ventilate through my body. I want him to text me back and tell me he's okay even though I know he's not. He's lost a good friend and he's hurting and I want to be there do hold him. I want him to lay his head on my lap like he usually does and I want to run my fingers trough his soft hair. I want to hear him laugh. I want his absence. Paint and brushes. An empty canvas to smear my frustrations. Loud soul full music in the background so I can't hear the voices in my head. The endless thoughts. I want to drown them slowly. Maxwell. Floral scents. Jack Johnson. I want to bundle up into a tiny ball and just hide under the covers. All of this and I still don't know what I really want. This is the part of me that will never be satisfied for something or someone because my emotions won't stop shape shifting. Similiar to a lava lamp. Full of life, bright, but always changing. Never the same. Stuck in the same place but never ever settled. Peace.