Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Mind Check

I just need to step out. I need a mind check. I can't stand all these thoughts and questions. I need to unwhelm. I need to stop making excuses and woman the fuck up. I need to get lost purposely and then find myself again. I need chocolate. And lots of Chinese food. Comfort. Erykah Badu. I need fresh air to ventilate through my body. I want him to text me back and tell me he's okay even though I know he's not. He's lost a good friend and he's hurting and I want to be there do hold him. I want him to lay his head on my lap like he usually does and I want to run my fingers trough his soft hair. I want to hear him laugh. I want his absence. Paint  and brushes. An empty canvas to smear my frustrations. Loud soul full music in the background so I can't hear the voices in my head. The endless thoughts. I want to drown them slowly. Maxwell. Floral scents. Jack Johnson. I want to bundle up into a tiny ball and just hide under the covers. All of this and I still don't know what I really want. This is the part of me that will never be satisfied for something  or someone because my emotions won't stop shape shifting. Similiar to a lava lamp. Full of life, bright, but always changing. Never the same. Stuck in the same place but never ever settled. Peace.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

wow .. i feel you on that erykah badu stuff. My ex boyfriend had been in the same position and even though he was talking to me and saying he was okay i still felt helpless .. i felt like i just wanted him to be happy . at point i just wished his friend could come back. its a part of human nature to feel lost like this but hey what can we do. loved this piece. can deffs connect with you on this.

PQT said...

I think it's even worst because even now he keeps alot to his self. And after his friend passing, I'm sure shits gonna be alot more shady. But thank you so much! <33

Carmen Lee said...

:(

I hate when your in that position, where all you can do is be on the sidelines knowing you can't do anything about it.

All that matters is that you want to be there, even if you can't. You know inside.

PQT said...

He does know. And that's all that matters right? :/