My Perspective

June 26, 2012

“Cause even though we were young, we had to stay strong. No matter what we went trough . . . it was me and my crew. And that’s how it went. . . when we were kids.”

And it comforts me, slightly, to know that a human being, a man, not a coward, another beating heart remained by his side till' his last breath. Any other person without a heart would have fleet the scene. If you’ve ever lost a loved one, then you can relate to the pain we're all feeling. It’s unexplainable. Your heart continues to beat and at the same time it feels pain. Each pulse that vibrates through your body is a reminder of the sorrow your heart is feeling. I drove home tonight, with a few drinks in my system, and with Mariah Carey & Boys to Men "One Sweet Day" blaring out my speakers; I literally cried all the way home and then I just sat in my car, kind of relieved. I held it in all day at work. I don't question God at all. But that doesn't mean it doesn't sadden me. I got angry with myself. I punched the steering wheel. Then I cried some more. What upsets me the most is the fact I won’t be here for his wake nor his funeral. I’ll be out of town. And somehow I know, that when I’m out there I’ll unconsciously yelp out in pain. I’m an expert at hiding my sorrow from the world; somehow I’ve become immune at pretending.

I joined a friend at a bar tonight. And I welcomed alcohol with arms wide open. I never drink to get drunk. I drink to feel good. I know my limits. And I know when I’ve had enough. So tonight I drank vigilantly. And at the same time, I was cautious of my words and actions. Unless I’m writing on here - Zero fucks given on my blog. No boundaries. I’ll say what I have to say & I’ll go on with my day. I really dislike when people take someone else’s death into there own beneficiary. They make it all about there selves. ME ME ME. Shut the fuck up. Stop attracting all that unnecessary attention.

As soon as they find out exactly what went down, they want to emphasize everything on them. NO. It’s never been about you.  Perhaps I’m talking out of rage but that’s exactly how I feel at the time. Nobody asked you, nobody gives a fuck.

I just want to squeeze Eric till' he screams STOP. I need my entire crew which I had ten years ago. I need his youngest brother and his parents. I need someone to tell me everything is going to be alright. Tell me it’s going to be alright God. Peace.

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