Sunday, March 29, 2015

Drunken Words

The only way to get through it is to talk to people who have gone through it. It’s like you’re part of this sucky, horrendous club that you never want to be a part of!  You can scroll through my posts and pin point the moment in time where my writing took a wrongful turn into a very dark place. I’m still lost in this place and trying to find a way out. No luck yet. Although, I still cry about it like a child, at least once a week, I don’t really talk to anyone about him. Sure my boyfriend will ask if I’m alright but I always answer him with the same reply, “Yes, I’m fine.” And he doesn't question me over it because he knows that’s how I deal with it. He's not a pusher and I love him so very much for it.

Now, I don’t talk to anyone about him with the exception of one person. . .

One of my best friends lost her mother six and a half years ago, it I’ll be seven years this November, and she’s the only person I can reach out to at any given time with my ridiculous, mournful thoughts. She always replies with the most positive words. She’s definitely in a better place with this. And so far, she always has an answer for me. I question these “episode of tears” and there time frames, these uncontrollable urges to shut the world out and just hide under my covers.

She told me something that I will never forget and I pray to my God that I too will find that peace within over time. She said that one day, mid-afternoon, she stopped whatever she was doing at work to look at a picture of her Mom. She said she stared at it for a few minutes, hoping she would never forget anything about her. But she explained there wasn’t any tears. NOT ONE! She was just content looking at her. That it gave her joy just looking at her smile, remembering all the good times she had with her.

Unfortunately I’m not there yet, not even remotely close. I can’t wait for the day where I’m capable of staring at my father’s picture and not having this urge to bawl like an infant. I just can't help to wonder when I'll stop feeling this way. Is it normal? Is it just me? Does my family keep it in the same way I do? Right now it feels like it just happened yesterday but at the same time I feel like he’s been gone forever. And forever is something neither one of us will ever get to see. And that is the extremity to my sadness.

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