Saturday, October 3, 2015

One Year Later


That morning when I spoke to my mother over the phone, she told me how critical he was (as she's done so many times.) But this time I had a different sentiment about the whole thing. I had lost the little hope I was clenching on to all those years. When we hung up the phone I recited this out loud, to myself, very much like a crazy person, “You know what God, if you want to take him home now, then you do so. Because I know his body is tired and he can’t physically take this anymore. I’m ready to let him go.” I said it angrily but my words were sincere. And then shortly after . . . I regretted it. Because God listened. And now I miss him like crazy. Missing him is a suppressed feeling that surfaces from that dark place from time to time. And not seeing him taunts us in a ghostly way. Alike my siblings, we have to convince ourselves that there is a God out there and that there is heaven with him in it. And that some day we’ll be reunited. That our prayers are heard and delivered to him daily. Because if you don’t believe what’s the point of this life after all. So I know you’re listening Dad.

I love you so, so, so, so, much that it literally does hurt. This year without you has been the crappiest year of my life. We all miss you. But we picked up where we left off a year ago and we are doing our best. We are striving in our own tiny ways, trying to make you proud every step of the way. You will always be the man of the house. And just know that we carry your love and your spirit in our hearts.You are always within.


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