Friday, March 25, 2011

Slow Jam

For the first time in months I finally listened to an entire love song.
I usually change the radio station but last night I let it play. "Slow Jam" by Midnight Star. It's a low punch to the stomach hearing a love song knowing the word "love" doesn't deal with the opposite sex. And it's insane how a simple song can take you back in time. A flip book of memories quickly shuffling through my head. And I fought it for so long simply to avoid the pressure that builds up in my chest. That nostalgic feeling of no longer having certain individuals in your present life is like a paper cut to the chest. And those tiny cuts do the most damage mostly because there rapid and unexpected. They come as fast as there gone, like most strangers in our lives. And if want too, at this exact moment, I could cry like there's no tomorrow. The most absurd thing is I don't even know why this point place in my chest acts up from time to time. Or maybe I do recognize it, I just don't want to acknowledge it. Undeniably I keep it inside because that's the safest place in the world. Also the most vulnerable at that. And everything is in place at the time, aligned perfectly and some how I still feel unbalanced. Put me eighty floors up on a walking rope, hand me a balancing stick, and maybe just maybe, the view from up there will allow reality to fucken hit me. I've been prolonging writing this out but I realize I've lost him forever and he's lost me for good as well. He was able to look me in the eyes and greet me as if nothing fascinating or horrible has ever occurred between us. Two complete strangers saluting one another for the very fist time. I said "hello" back and that overwhelming pressure resurfaced and settled in my chest once more. But the most perplexing thing occurred. As soon as he turned his back my feet sank into the ground and he was exactly that. . . a total stranger. And the pressure in my chest vanished as if a doze of tranquilizer was shot and landed on my heart. It's utterly strange standing five feet from a person you have spent so many days, months, even years and not feel a single emotion towards them anymore. It's a tremendous relief actually. A whole body off my shoulders in other words. All of the fights and insults we battled each other over and we're both able to act humane in each others presence. Two souls headed in different directions that once shared the same path, complete ghosts now. Complete strangers. Peace.


Carmen Lee said...

So I had to Comment.

As I read this i can't help to notice the ball forming on the back of my throat.

Only because I can relate, but one never knows what another person feels and how they deal with it etc....

It just hits home when you say you feel no emotion towards that person.

Even after years you can't help it, but then it hits you.

Like you said.

Two souls headed in different directions that once shared the same path, complete ghosts now. Complete strangers.

PQT said...

I encourage you to comment lol yeah I wrote this in my journal about a week ago. And I finally decided to type it up on here. Glad you can relate to it because that means you've moved on as well. It's good to move forward, even if it's toddlers steps. The point is to progress onward :)

Carmen Lee said...

:) Yes although the situation happened a long time ago, and years have passed by, toddler steps mean and do alot.

PQT said...

Agree Carmen! :-D