Friday, September 9, 2011

Who's Fault?

When a person stares you in the face and questions where your dignity is, it makes you question everything else about yourself. When did I start missing any of my human attributes? And it makes me want to get in there face and yell out fuck you but it’s entirely my fault. As usual I have no one else to blame but myself. They rant on about double standards and losing self respect. And I’m pretty much fed up with it. One, I shouldn’t be opening my mouth about my personal life in the first place. Two, people are encountered to there own opinions. You put on a show; people will eventually have something to talk about. What else is new right? Three, obviously its bugging me or else I wouldn’t be sitting here and venting.

I don’t have many words today. I do however feel supper shitty about the whole thing. But would you rather keep count of the years and continue to front to the whole world about your “happiness” when deep down you know its nothing but lies and deception, dishonest times and untruthful words. No. I might not be in a relationship with him because we both knew it was better to let it go. We didn’t hold on to a thread of untruthfulness. Whatever we do NOW five years later is entirely our verdict. We don’t make something out of nothing; we don’t have reasons to lie to each other. We’re friends with benefits. Nothing more nothing less. And you find this so hard to believe why?

It didn’t work out when we were together. Gave that rope a pull and nada. So the next time you question my dignity. Question yourself. I lied to myself for years. Thinking he and I could make it work. That we would walk hand in hand over that bridge. But sooner or later (yes two years later) I grew up a little and realized that lying to myself wasn’t getting me anywhere. So there’s no going back to square one. I’m on a new square ass.


I didn’t have the courage to say any of this. I just sat there and took it. Puffed out my chest and strutted on as if it went in one ear and out the other. NEVER have I claimed perfection, nor sensibility to always make the right choices. And my excuse is that I’m young and I will continue growing and learning from my mistakes. Consecutively till the day I part from this God given Earth. It is my heart after all. You will never feel it in yours. So why stress about it eh?

So fuck it. Fuck it all. Peace.


cele said...

I'm not much of a reader, but this is more than what I expect from a reading. You're awesome Pearl! From the choice of words to how you express yourself its all amazing. I'm impressed to say the least. I love it! I will be reading your blogs; I'm a fan! Miss u old friend.

PQT said...

Thank you so much Cele! I miss you too old friend. Hope to see you soon. Greet & meet tiny Emily! xoxo