Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Dear Tink

"Millions and millions will continue to ascend into heaven, but none other will leave a trace in my heart like you."  P.Q.

I stood across the room from her and for her own sake I held back my tears. As I stared up at her and the tragedy that surrounded us, I couldn’t help but to think of him. They’ve always been such good friends. And if it wasn’t for her, he and I wouldn't have fallen in and out of love. It’s a bittersweet cupid move she pulled on us. She’s usually a gem, a diamond, that as we all know are formed under pressure. She’s usually the rock out of all of us and yesterday I could see right through her, like a transparent piece of glass. And every tear she shed was like a pebble being thrown at that glass, any moment now and she would break down. And I know this pounding will take some time to heal. I have nothing to offer. Nobody does. What was given and taken from her is done by a higher power. I’m no super-human. I can’t bring him back. I don’t even have the courage to ask her about him. We sat in silence Sunday evening and just waited. You really don’t know what you are waiting for or what to expect. I mean who in there right mind wants to be part of such sadness? ─ Such a drastic ambiance.

But I’m there because it’s my duty as a friend (As her little sister as she calls me). After all the years I’ve spent with her, my time there, my physical presence is all I can offer. Every meal we’ve shared, every glass we’ve raised, every wedding we have attended, every death we have witnessed, are all proof of something we’ve lived together, memories we’ve stacked sky high over time. And it kills me inside, seeing her in that hospital bed. Because if you know her like I do, you’d know she’s usually the foundation, the cement that keeps us together, the one that wipes her tears when no one is looking, the one you turn to when your heart is broken, the one that tells  you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. She’s blunt. And that makes her who she is. So to see her so fragile, it’s a stab to the heart. She doesn’t deserve any of this.

Last night, I laid in bed and I cried. I cried till’ I was out of breath. I’ve done a few things I’m not proud of, things I can be hated for, things that come back to haunt me time after time. But I don’t regret them. At that time, I thought with my mind and not my heart. And when it comes to tough decisions, you have to use your mind before your heart. Or else you’d lose the most important battles ─ the battles that will break you or make you in the long run. My partner and I focused on our future, the situation our relationship was merged in. But deep down somehow I still cling on to this guilt. And I feel at fault, like a fox sneaking into a chicken coop in the middle of the night, and snatching the lives out of unborn eggs. There are women out there that dream of giving birth to their own children, and experiencing motherhood. And I’ve taken that for granted more than once. I feel like a hypocrite standing in that room with her because I know how overjoyed she was to have this baby boy. I’ve always been aware of her feelings on having a family and I knew her thoughts on being a mother to this second child. But right now it's not about me is it? Or my guilty conscious and subordinate feelings. It’s not about you or you. It's not even about your fucken opinions on what I’ve been through or done. It’s about HER and what she is dealing with.

So I set all this shit aside, every grudge or exclusive feeling I have for others that were present in that same room, and I stand my ground like every worthy friend should. Because deep down in my heart I know she would do the same for me . . . as she always has. My heart is with you through all of this, don’t ever forget that my Tink. I love you more than you could possibly imagine. Never question God's master mind plan. It's somehow perfect in his eyes.

Love Wendy


Anonymous said...

I Love You Wendy...n thanks for being a great friend n a wonderful Lil Sis!! Ur support means the world to me!!

PQT said...

Always! <3